New Beginnings

Before Christ

I was the very definition of a seeker, certain that ‘there must be more than this’. I often fantasised about running away from my life - surely I would be happier if I could just travel the world? At other times, I looked for meaning closer to home. Seeking solace in a tray full of pints. Blaming my partner for not making me happy. Fanatic about football – everyone needs heroes right? Reading books that promised the secret to ‘finding myself’, whatever that meant. Getting involved with politics to change the world… Anything but change myself!

Time to surrender
In all these years of pondering why I felt so empty, there was one solution I never considered. Christianity was an absolute no-no – a conservative bastion, a relic of the past. Then, on 19 November 1997, I found myself in a hospital waiting room while my wife and daughter fought for their lives on an operating table. Instinctively I cried out to God – ‘save my family Lord and I will come to you’. A peace descended on me – ‘Oh no’, I thought, ‘it is true after all.’
Although my prayers were answered, despite what I had felt on that night, it took almost three more years before I held up my hands and finally surrendered. In 2000 I started going regularly to church, at first as a seat-warmer, an interested observer. The breakthrough came one September Sunday. It was a time of great sadness as members of the Maranatha worship team had died in an accident. To my amazement, the pastor broke through his tears and began singing “Our God is an awesome God”. As the congregation joined in, it suddenly all made sense… While others wiped away their tears, mine finally began to flow. Ah, so this is who you are Lord. Awesome indeed.

The journey continues
I felt elated and an incredible sense of peace. Since then I have heard many others describe the same feeling and it is a constant source of amazement that people (like me before) simply refuse to even consider whether this weight of testimony might be true. As an historian and a writer, I have relished exploring the background to this ancient secret I had discovered. The sheer weight of evidence supporting the Gospel is incredible and I wonder why this is not more widely known.
Has it all been a bed of roses since? By no means. Instead of travelling the world I embarked on a spiritual journey that is in some ways far more challenging. The greatest struggle, just as Jesus said it would be, is in my closest relationships. Trying to be even a little humble is a daily battle for someone like me. I manage to give money away but my heart strings often remain tightly strung.

But I know now for sure that I am on the right path and there is no turning back. I have never felt alone again. I have experienced what true love is and it makes me cry. I have understood the power of forgiveness and even manage to apply it on occasions. I have been blessed with some wonderful friendships in the church and even seen other dear friends come to faith too. Above all else, I now understand the meaning of the song Amazing Grace.